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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Yet again one otious after lunch post

don't have much to write about, so I'll post a small rant I jotted down today as soon as I arrived. It's supposedly written in the same style of the general announcement we receive from management and HR: it's a rant related to the fact that some smartasses at HR thought it was a nice idea to spend time and money on sending us a fake box of a nonexistent drugs, Smartolan, supposed to help us relive ethe stress of working here. A nice idea I'd appreciated much more, hadn't it been that in this times we are constantly reminded that there's no money for traveling around at conferences. But apparently there is enough in other departments to waste it around...

never mind, here it comes... I edited something to reduce the lawsuits risk...

Dear employee,

Ginseng Pharmaceutica NV is pleased to announce that their new treatment against acute idiocy has been approved by the regolatory authorities. Under the brand name of Smartolan, the product (3,6-idio,4-parastupid dudecaine) is expected to provide revenues in the order of 15 billion US$/year, mostly from sales to other corporate HR departments.

I don't have to remember how hard the development of this product has been. After initial identification of a likely target in 1955, upon hiring of the first HR manager here at Jansenn, in incredible amount of work has been poured in to alleviate these almost-human beings of their handicap. Initial tests on Guinea pigs and rats were promising, with a 50% improved IQ measured as time required to exit through a maze. A big hurdle to overcome for the project was the complete lack of effect of Smartolan on the next pre-clinical trial, Post-doctorate associates, notoriously cheap to hire, test and fire. this was most likely due to their particular physiology (the already high IQ may have played a role too). Fortunately, efficacy on more expensive lab animals such as Dogs and Monkeys was confirmed.

Clinical trial were performed, for the first time in the story of our company, in house, on a large subset of the HR department allegedly suffering of the affection. the resting part was kept as control in this innovative double blind. More than 85% of the person treated showed a 1.5-fold increase in IQ and general awareness, with the lower 30% actually reaching the level of sub-normal person (80>IQ>100). Unfortunately, a good 15% of the patients didn't show any answer to the drugs, a particular sub-population now called "Natural-born-HR" for which only gene therapy may provide help for the foreseeable future.

However, it is a glorious day for our company and we look at the possibility of using the new revenue stream not as input for more sterile scientific research, but to allow more generous travel allowances and possibly even company cars to HR secretaries who have until now been denied this staple of corporate employment.

Idiotically yours

Mark Van Stupiid (HR and PR director)

disclaimer: the author of this e-mail was involved in the Smartolan clinical trial and was found to be part of the unresponsive 15%.

ps: Guys don't fuck me up. This better NOT leave our machines ok? no forwarding, no showing around please. I could be fired for this.


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